October - December, 2007

December 24

I'm sure that you will be pleased to hear that it all worked out. Better than we could have imagined!!! Mom had a wonderful time. As did I, my husband and my mother in-law. But Dad had the best time of all! I have not seen him this happy in a long time.

I am enclosing a photo of Mom and I taken in her living room at Christmas. I am trusting that you all took lots of photos of your happy times over the holidays.

I would like to close with what my Dad's Christmas card to me read, "May the gift of God's son fill your heart with joy, hope, peace and love this Christmas and always."

Blessings,
Heather

December 17

I'm home now. The tree is up. The gifts are wrapped. And Dad and I have decided that we need to have Mom home for Christmas.

Rightly or wrongly, we are caught up in the sentiments of the season and we can't imagine having Christmas without Mom being at home. We have a plan...a kind of variation on the shell game.

Dad will pick Mom up late morning and take her for a drive. Then they will show up at "my" house for Christmas dinner. (We are hoping that with the "intoxicating" smell of turkey in the air, the other "senses" might be slightly "dulled".) We will open some presents. Play a few games. (Did you know they still make "barrel full of monkeys"??? I bought a few games that I thought Mom might have fun with - "I Spy", "Sorry" etc.) And have that dinner.

Special Note:
We are going with the faith of the season. That everything will work out. I truly hope that whatever your plans are for the holidays...that they work out too.

Blessings,
Heather

December 10

I am busy this week getting ready to go home for Christmas. I am excited that my husband and I will be with our parents, friends and family for the holidays.

I have been back in Calgary for 8 weeks now. That is the longest stretch of time that I have been away from my parents in over a year. Both of my parents have been through a lot this year. But more so for Dad, and especially over the last 3 months. I am happy to report that although he has the odd bad day, most of the days are good. (Touch wood!)

I called Mom to let her know that I was coming home for Christmas. (I call her every other week. The calls are brief. But she always sounds happy to hear my voice.) She asked me where I was, and would I come to see her. I told her that I was in Calgary, to which she responded, "Well, I didn't know that...nobody told me that!" I then told her I would be home soon for Christmas. She responded, "I can't wait! Should I be doing anything?" I advised her that everything was all done. And that all we had to do was spend time together. And she replied, "I'd love that!"

Special Note:
At this time of year there are even more things to do than usual. More of our time is taken up with "to do" jobs that come with the season. But try to have some fun. Give yourselves permission to take some time off to have fun with the ones you love.

Blessings,
Heather

December 3

This past week, while watching a favourite show on television, a question was asked: "Of persons who have passed on, who would you want to have one more day with?"

Like everyone, I started to think about it. Naturally I thought of my grandparents. I also thought of my special cousin Bob who I lost earlier this year. And, of course, my dear friend Mrs. Faulkner who passed away in September. But then I thought of Mom.

While is is true that Mom is still here, I would love one more day for us to talk like we used to before Alzheimer's. I would like to hear about how she is really feeling. What things make her happy now, and what makes her sad. What is it about her situation that is frustrating and confusing and how can I make it better. In all of this, I want to know what she is thankful for now. (Because Mom was always thankful for something.) And I'd like to hear her reflections on her life. About the choices she made and experiences she had.

Then I would like to tell her how proud I have always been to have her as my Mother. Her accomplishments, and her respectfulness and kindness to others inspire me every day. And I would like to tell her what a happy child I was when every day I arrived home from school to her joyful welcome, "Hello sweetie-heart!" (Usually with fresh baked cookies!)

Don't get me wrong - I am sooooo thankful to have my Mom still with us. And we do have a wonderful relationship, albeit different. When she sees me these days and her face still lights up...I give a huge thanks for that.

Special Note:
Who would you want to spend a day with? And what are you thankful for today?

Blessings,
Heather

November 25

I have a cute story to share with  you this week.

At the nursing home where my Mom now lives, there are different units that the residents live in depending on the type of care that they require. Mom resides in what is referred to as P.C.U., which stands for protective care unit. She was assigned to this type of unit because she is still very mobile and thus at a greater risk of wandering off and her safety could be compromised.

My parents have other friends that live at the nursing home, but in different units. Quite often, Mom and Dad meet their friends in the main dining room and have a meal together. One day last week Mom and Dad were having lunch with another couple (the wife of the couple still lives in their family home, but the husband required much more care than she could provide so he is now in the nursing home). Dad started telling Mom not to do something (like pouring sugar all over her dinner!) and she got upset with him. The other lady at the table tried to make light of it by saying to Mom, "Oh my, he's so bossy, isn't he?", and started laughing. Everyone else joined in, including Mom. Still laughing, Mom leaned in to the other woman and said, "Well, I don't know about that...but he's pretty high up!" Needless to say all lost it! Dad said that the eyeglasses came off and the hankerchiefs came out!!!

Special Note:
I hope you experience some "tears of laughter". (Daily, if at all possible!) As they say, laughter is the best medicine!

Blessings,
Heather

November 19

This past week, Dad met with the social worker, head nurse and dietician of Mom's nursing home. They had called the meeting with Dad to discuss their concerns for Mom's lack of appetite and resulting weight loss. Dad was surprised at this news, because whenever Dad has a meal with Mom in the main dining room at the home or when they go out for lunch, she generally eats everything on her plate and has dessert! But, having said that, he did admit he was pretty sure Mom looked somewhat thinner than usual.

It was decided that Dad would come to the nursing home everyday to have Mom's main meal with her in hopes that this would build up her appetite. The nursing staff and dietician were amazed at how much Mom would eat if Dad was dining with her. (On Sunday, for example, Mom ate a turkey dinner, apple pie with ice cream and washed it all down with an "Ensure" drink. Then later she went to an afternoon tea!)

When Dad and I discussed all of this on the phone, we were reminded how much Mom loved the "family life" of mealtime. And although she cannot remember a lot of her life, some of the "actions of life" may still be very much with her. So having Dad there with her at mealtime obviously comforts her.

Special Note:
Spending time doing things together (the things we often take for granted) like sharing a meal, going for a morning walk or attending a church service mean a lot more than we would realize. The fellowship of these "actions" could make all the difference in their daily lives.

Blessings,
Heather

November 12

One of the most important things you can do for a person with Alzheimer's disease is to include them in activities. Any of you who has a loved one attending the Alzheimer Society of Calgary Club 36 Adult Day Support Program will attest to this.

Volunteers are always needed to assist the program organizers. So on Tuesdays, my Dad volunteers with Mom's activity group, and in the process has a great bit of fun himself! Since Mom (was) an artist, Dad really tries to encourage her in this activity with the others. Mom has a difficult time, though, with the concentration required for it. As a result, Dad ends up doing most of the "painting"! (I think Mom is just happy enough to be with Dad and visiting with the others participating in this activity.)

I tease Dad that at 65 he started taking computer courses, because he wanted to "keep his brain active". At 70, he began assisting the head of the History department at the local university with the assembly and writing of a book based on the diaries and letters of his Uncle's experiences during the first world war. (The book was published in 2002.) And at 80, he took a year of piano lessons because he was paying for piano lessons for his grandsons and wanted to see how hard it was. (FYI - He says that it was hard because there was a lot of time required for practicing. And it is hard to find the time because he is so busy.) Now here he is at 83 taking "art"!!! Ha! Ha!

Special Note:
If you have not done so...look into the Alzheimer Society of Calgary's Adult Day Support Program. It is called Club 36. People that I have spoken to about it have nothing but compliments about the program, the organizers and the volunteers. I think it is worth checking out.

Blessings,
Heather

November 5

In late October, I was fortunate enough to take part in information sessions to assist caregivers at the Alzheimer Society of Calgary. I learned so much from the instructor with regard to and the importance of "person-centred care". As well, sharing experiences with the other participants was very insightful too.

During a conversation with my Dad this week, he started venting about his concerns for Mom and second-guessing his decision to put Mom in a nursing home. My first reaction was to remind him about being positive and up-beat for Mom's sake. Instead I let him vent. I learned that it was important for me to realize that he is only looking at the situation with regard for what is best for Mom. My usual tendency of looking at the situation with what is best for both of them is not what he needed to hear. He needed someone to listen, to allow him to get his feelings off his chest with someone he could trust. And as a result, I connected with that side of supporting Dad as he works through and attempts to reconcile his feelings about the decisions he made for Mom on her behalf.

Special Note:
Many of you probably already know this...when you love someone and are trying to help them, listening may be all that is required.

Blessings,
Heather

October 29

Last weekend I had the opportunity to speak at a wonderful event in support of the Alzheimer Society of Calgary.

A remarkable young woman organized and executed a fund-raising event to honour the memory of her Grandmother who passed away in 2006. This amazing event was called "The Forget-Me-Not Masquerade Ball". And there is not a doubt in my mind that she and her fantastic committee will successfully make this an annual occasion...not to be missed!

I was asked by the Alzheimer Society if I would be interested in sharing my Mom's journey (so far!) as a speaker at this event. I said yes, even though I was quite nervous at the prospect of speaking in public.

As the ball approached, I realized that it was important for me to do this on two levels. Firstly, to help raise awareness about Alzheimer's disease (which is largely why I write this diary). Secondly, for personal reasons that, if I may, I would like to share with you.

My Mom always counselled me to believe that I could do anything that I wanted to. She always said that if you really wanted to achieve or do something badly enough, you would find the motivation to overcome any obstacle or fear. I realize now that this is what she believed in order to accomplish all that she has in her life. She always found a way...found her motivation. Her belief in me helped me to overcome my fear and do what I really needed to do to honour my relationship with her.

Special Note:
How I honoured my Mom may not be for everyone...but for my own reasons it was important to me. Maybe you have something in mind that you have always wanted to do or express...hope you find your strength too. (Hey, if I can...anyone can!)

Blessings,
Heather

October 22

This past Monday, October 22, was my parents' 47th wedding anniversary. They celebrated the day with Dad picking Mom up at the nursing home to take her for lunch and a drive in the country. It is sad for him. Partly because she doesn't remember most of their lives together...she just knows that his is the face she loves. (You should see how she lights up when she sees him!) And because he has to go home to their house, but alone, must be terribly hard.

Being there for the spouse of a person with Alzheimer's disease is a gift we can all give. It is especially important as the spouse experiences the "firsts" of many holidays and celebrations that all families share. Whether you are a close friend, a sibling, a child of, or a niece, nephew or grandchild, reach out to that person. The reality is that they are grieving the loss of their spouse even though the spouse is still here! That reality is very hard to come to terms with. But with the love and support that you can offer, they will get through it. (And don't forget the laughter...that's very important too!)

Special Note:
With all of the upcoming holiday celebrations, be sure to remember all of the people you know who are adjusting in difficult situations. They, now more than ever, need to feel included.

Blessings,
Heather

October 15

I am going home later this week, back to Calgary. And I will not be coming to visit my parents for two months. I have to say I am more than a little bit nervous about that!

However, Dad seems to be doing a lot better and has been learning the "Best Friends Approach to Alzheimer's Care". And while some days are better than others, when we witness the benefits of this approach not only for Mom but for her "new" friends at the nursing home, the feeling is unbelievably rewarding and uplifting.

I took the Best Friends course a while ago now. It gave me the tools I really needed to help my Mom. I was able to build a wonderful new relationship with her, albeit different. I am so grateful. As well, I now have a better understanding of Alzheimer's patients and what they are dealing with.

Special Note:
If you have not already heard about the Best Friends Approach, please note that the Alzheimer Society of Calgary has a book that you may borrow or purchase at their Calgary office. And as I mentioned above they even offer a course.

Blessings,
Heather

October 8

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Hope you and yours have a wonderful family and friends filled day!

I am all together with my family. Mom, Dad, my husband, his Mom and me. I am very thankful for that as we have not all been together for Thanksgiving for a long time.

If I may, I would like to share a little story with you.

On September 17, I lost one of my very best girlfriends. She died suddenly after a very brief illness. She was ninety-two. She was my first friend when I moved to Calgary sixteen years ago. During one of our earliest conversations, I asked her how she remains so happy and full of life. She told me, "When you wake up in the morning you have a choice. You can choose to be happy and take that with your in your work and your dealings with others, or you can choose to be grumpy and sad. And we all know that people don't like to be around someone like that. Never mind that everything you do seems harder. I choose to be happy every day...no matter what!" I think of that message and my dear friend every day. And I have quoted her often over the years.

Thank you for letting me share her story with you. I hope her message has touched you.

Special Note:
It is often easier to dwell on the negative. But there really is so much to be happy and thankful for. I am thankful that my Mom lives in a lovely home, with caring nurses and supportive friends. I am also thankful that you have allowed me to share my family's journey with Alzheimer's with you.

Blessings,
Heather

October 1

I will be going home later this week for the Thanksgiving holiday. Dad seems to be sounding better - he says it's because he has something to look forward to.

My husband will be making the trip with me, if only for a few days. I have not really mentioned him in this diary before...no real reason.

But let me tell you he is my rock.

It has been a difficult couple of years with regard to my Mom's situation and my need to be there with my parents to offer help. And my husband and I have spent a great deal of time apart. It has not always been easy for either of us but we are working hard to handle it. His support and understanding mean more than I can say.

So as it is the Thanksgiving season, I want to say that I am most thankful for him and his generous heart, not only to me but to my parents.

Blessings
Heather