JANUARY 2009

I’m sure many of you have experienced when a person with Alzheimers becomes frustrated. Sometimes they can get quite angry and in rare cases even violent. Dad says that Mom has been having episodes lately of very intense frustration. She gets angry, especially when he tells her to do or not to do something. She has started raising her voice and sometimes she will throw things. This is not typical behaviour for Mom. But almost as soon as she has acted out she starts apologizing. “Oh darling, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” It is interesting to me that although she has these out of character episodes, her true character seems to recognize the “bad” behaviour almost immediately and she feels remorseful. I think, Mom is still connecting to her true self. “She” is still in there. There is nothing wrong with expressing our frustrations. And being able to do that with someone we trust and not worry about being judged is important. Patience with our loved ones and friends is a gift we can give and hopefully receive. Caring for someone with Alzheimers can have its frustrating moments. But let us remember it is far more frustrating for the person, then for us.

Thought: May we all be as patience as possible in those difficult situations. Let us not forget how grateful we are to be forgiven when we “act out”. Blessings, Heather

FEBRUARY 2009

This visit home has been another eye-opener. Mom has adjusted fairly well to living in a nursing home. I think she feels somewhat secure there. And when we take her out for a drive or for tea and we are gone for too long, she will start to get agitated. She will ask to go home, now. I spent three hours with her after lunch one afternoon. We walked around talking together and visiting with other residents. It was lovely. But as time went on Mom became “busy”. This is what the nursing home staff call it. Apparently, because Mom is still so physically active but her attention span is so short, she is on the move and into everything. And I mean everything. Looking through everyone’s dresser drawers, (folding and sorting), making or unmaking beds, cleaning bathrooms and anything she can open or move. Nothing is off limits, (to her). Apparently, Mom is like this on and off all day. One of the Nurses told me that Mom could keep a nurse busy 24/7. I kept trying to involve Mom in other things, to leave other people’s belongings alone. But my “interruptions” just seemed to annoy her. Another of the Nurses asked Mom what was wrong. Mom replied, “That she was tired of being the only one doing any work!” That brought lots of chuckles . . . which didn’t help matters. Eventually, I decided to leave. At first I was sort of sad because I wanted to have this wonderful visit with Mom since I am only home for two weeks. But as I thought about it, I was glad that she is feeling some kind of contentment there. I went home to Dad’s and told him about this experience with Mom. He told me that sometimes when he is visiting her she will get up and walk out of the room. After awhile he will have to go look for her. And when he finds her she is not the least bit interested in sitting down. She wants to be moving. I told Dad that in those times he should leave. Just go home and get some of his things done so that he is not feeling overwhelmed and stressed about what’s not getting done.

Thought: This journey is such a learning experience. As Mom is “learning” to adjust to her surroundings, we too have to adjust to Mom and the changes she is going through. “Focus on the positive”, seems to be my mantra these days. And the positive is that Mom is safe, happy and content. And the Nursing Home Staff are working so hard to keep it that way. Blessings, Heather

MARCH 2009

Dad is still spending 3 or more hours at the nursing home with Mom every day. Even after our conversation last month he knows that it is not necessary . . . he just can’t help himself. So I worry about him because he is getting so stressed about keeping up with everything at home. On the suggestion of the social worker at the Calgary Alzheimers Society, I decided to call the social worker on staff at the nursing home with my concerns. She said our situation is fairly common in the early stages of a spouse moving into a nursing home. She suggested that Dad attend a support group meeting that they hold once a month. I said that I didn’t think that he would go if I suggested it. She said not to worry. She knows that Dad has dinner with Mom everyday in the dining room and she will just “bump” into him and bring it up in conversation. Well she did and it worked! Dad went to the support group meeting. And much to his surprise were many of the spouses that he had met when Mom first moved in eighteen months ago. Hearing their stories and learning about what they did, so that they did not “burn out”, really helped him. So Dad is feeling better about things. (So I am feeling better about him.) He realizes that it is quality versus quantity when visiting Mom. He knows now that he has to take care of himself too, so that he is around to make those daily visits. Talking to him lately he sounds like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. I am so grateful.

Thought: Take advantage of the various support programs etc. that the Alzheimers Society has to offer you, your family and friends. They have helped so many families. I am speaking from experience . . . they have helped me . . . and they most certainly can help you. Blessings, Heather

April 2009

This Easter Time I would like to share with you a poem that my Dad wrote about my Mom and her life at the nursing home.  It was inspired by what he witnesses everyday when he visits her.
 

Deep blue eyes

Rosy red cheeks

Red jersey, blue jersey

Cream cardigan

Toothless smile

Clapping hands

Loving hugs

“I can’t believe you’re here.”

God’s angel busy going by

“Hello, hello, hello

How are you?”

Gentle friendships.

Golden years.

Pacing up.  Pacing down.

Pacing in.  Pacing out.

Folding cloths.

Counting. Counting. Counting.

Mindlessness.  Loneliness.  Fearfulness.

Endless captivity.  “Damn.”

What’s it all about?

A drive in a warm car on a sunny Spring day.

“Thank you God!”

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Look, an Easter card.

Yes.  It is Easter!  There is hope!

Thank you God!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Blessings,

Heather
 

MAY 2009

What I find extraordinary is Dad’s ability to see Mom as her real self.  Not the person who has Alzheimers, but his loving wife and life partner.  When I speak to you about Dad getting stressed and coping with feelings of depression, I am referring to the situation, not the woman.  Even on “bad days”, when I refer to it as a “bad” day and that he will have “good” days too, he will always make the comment that at least he got to see her.  At least she is still here.

I know it is important for Dad to see her every day.  But this May, my Husband and I decided that giving Dad a break, a change of scenery, was equally important.  So we took him on a holiday.  Just for eight days.  And it was a complete departure from his regular everyday. 

We took him back to the U.K.  Back to when, as a  nineteen year old man, he had just arrived in England during WWII.  We tried to re-trace his steps.   Where he landed.  Where he marched his troops.  Where he did more training.  And where his regiment was stationed before being called to the front.  It was amazing!  Everyone we met was so helpful.  So eager to assist, in any way, on this journey through Dad’s past.  We even got to visit with a cousin of his who he had not seen in over twenty years. It was a complete change.  A time relived before his relationship with Mom.

About the middle of our time away, I decided to call the nursing home to see how Mom was doing.  The nurse told me she was doing fine.  She was eating well.  Mom was still doing her “pacing”, but all in all doing very nicely.  One day however, Mom looked as though she was looking for something or someone, so the nurse asked her if she was looking for her husband.  Mom said, “I guess I am”.  The nurse replied, “Well, Heather came home and took him on a holiday for a week”.  To which Mom replied, “Oh I am so glad!  He is so nice and he really deserves a break”.  I was astonished!!!  How appropriate!  I told Dad.  He was amazed at her choice of words and comforted that it was “okay with Mom, for him to be away”.

Blessings,

Heather

JUNE 2009

It seems that Mom’s Alzheimers disease is changing her again.  You know, how you seem to be going along in a certain way and then all of a sudden they can’t do something or talk about something that they have not had any problem doing until right up to now.

It seems that Mom has days where she really struggles with knowing who Dad is.  Of course this is breaking his heart.  Mom recognizing him and giving him a big, warm welcome everyday, has been a huge part of what has kept him going through all of this.  What can I say to help him?  That this is just another part of the disease?  That we knew this day would come?  What comfort will that bring him?

I know how I struggled with the disappointment when Mom started forgetting me as her daughter, Heather.  It was hard, and even though people around me supported me with wonderful words of encouragement, it still hurt.  It has taken time to find comfort in the fact that at least Mom remembers my face as “familiar” most of the time.  Every now and then she remembers me as Heather and I am delighted.   In those moments . . . whatever brings them on . . . we really connect.

Wish for me, as I wish for all of you, the counsel we will need to get through.
 

Blessings,

Heather